Surrendering Your Fertility
You know that feeling, every single month, when you’re disappointed AGAIN because you started your period?
Another negative test. A moment of sadness floods over you.
Sometimes it feels surreal. How could it be negative… again? This doesn’t seem real. How can this be my life? We’ve been waiting for so long. Is the door of growing our family closing for us?
I’ve been there with you, friend.
My husband and I have been trying to grow our family, at the point of this blog, for 5 years now. One miscarriage 3 years ago at 11 weeks pregnant and still waiting.
Trying to conceive & family planning can straight up feel like a roller coaster of emotions.
It’s one I believe is unlike any other trial. Because it’s something you are ACTIVELY, personally, trying for every single month. If you don’t try, you can’t get pregnant. But if you DO try, you can be faced with the disappointment of not getting pregnant month..after month.. after month.
It’s an ACTIVE waiting. You aren’t just sitting by praying for God to do something, you are actively a part of the process as well.
And if you’re not careful, you will exhaust yourself and make your waiting mean a lot of false things about you and God.
Maybe you have gotten pregnant only for it to resolve in loss, maybe you have been through testing & treatments and still no baby, maybe you’re dealing with fertility after already having a child… can I ask you a question friend to friend?
What’s the thought that keeps you up at night?
Is it, “I must be doing something wrong. I wonder if God is punishing me.”
or
“Trusting God is just too difficult. This is exhausting, I can’t keep experiencing loss.”
or
“What if I never get what my heart so desires? Why did I have to go through all of this…”
“My life is full of loss and I never actually get to where I want to go.”
“God is cruel. Why me?”
“We’re RUNNING OUT OF TIME.”
ALL FEEL REAL. But none of them are truth from the Father.
Notice the tone of hopelessness.
My friend, the one thing the enemy is after… is your hope.
If we continue to marinate in this roller coaster of emotions, while trying to conceive, too easily we can begin to believe these LIES that hope is lost. That hoping for the best isn’t worth it. That YOUR God, at the end of the day isn’t really good, is He?
We begin to think those thoughts above that keep us up at night, and we think about them over and over and over again.
Sometimes we obsess over them and our health. All while God is speaking a BETTER WORD.
And the roller coaster of emotions was never a cycle that God intended you to sustain or set up camp in.
Growing your family is a BEAUTIFUL desire.
It’s something my husband and I have wanted since we were children. Scripture talked beautifully about the gift of children and generations.
There is nothing wrong with desiring this, and letting God know the painful emotions that come with your longing that hasn’t been fulfilled yet.
The enemy would LOVE to take this desire and turn it into “hell on earth” as you wait for the family God has for you.
But the truth is, the only way that can happen is through your thought life.
Because GOD ALONE HOLDS LIFE IN HIS HANDS. He alone creates life and takes it away. He alone has the FINAL say.
If He could bring a baby through a virgin, a barren woman and a 75 year old in Scripture… He can surely do ANYTHING and ANY TIME within you and your husband.
But what we BELIEVE, as we wait… now that’s where the deciding factor is on if we will live with joy or bitterness.
Every month for 5 YEARS I would try to get pregnant, with all the mix of excitement, hope, pressure while having sex ;), possibility of what could be possible (wow what a mix haha), and then… when I would start my period 2 weeks later…
BAM. Sadness and disappointment and bitterness and being on edge toward my husband would ensue for A WEEK.
Ever been there? ;)
This is you. This was me.
Until a few months ago.
When I decided to get off the roller coaster.
What we are worried over is real, but it’s never as important as surrender. And the thoughts that are keeping you up at night are what is preventing you from surrendering fully to the Lord.
A few months ago I decided I couldn’t sustain the roller coaster, and it was ruining the joy in my marriage.
DID I BELIEVE GOD WAS FOR ME OR NOT?
DID I BELIEVE GOD WAS GOOD, OR NOT?
There is NOT an in-between.
And God was inviting me to surrender.
NOW THIS IS IMPORTANT.
Surrender does NOT mean that you will never get your desire. Instead surrender means that you’re deciding to hand over your desires and body to God’s care.
Surrender does NOT mean that you are just GIVING UP. No, no. Surrender rather is you saying, “I’m ready to pick up HOPE again. I’m ready to believe that what God can and WILL do in my life is worth me trusting Him with it. He can do more than me, He cares more than me. His plan is better than I’m giving Him credit for. And I want to ENJOY my life however it pans out. So I give over my worry to a God who MAKES A WAY.”
Did you know that God is doing 1000 things when we can only see 3?
What if you decided to get off the roller coaster today?
What if you decided today was the day you were going to trade obsessing and bitterness for peace and joy again?
The truth is, friend, that God is fully able to allow you to conceive. And just because it hasn’t happened yet doesn’t mean that it isn’t GOING to.
We HAVE to have a CATEGORY for waiting in this life. And that waiting can be FRUITFUL if we let it.
But what do you want more? A baby? Or GOD Himself?
I resolve to want God more. I want HIM. I want His presence. I want His nearness. I want His love. And I will not let my deep desire for a baby KEEP me from believing that who God says He is, is true. I’m stubborn and I’m not going to give up on going all in on my love for God.
HERE’S THE TRUTH WE RENEW OUR MIND WITH:
This life is just a BLIP of the eternity we have with God. And whatever the Lord has for me here, I want to receive it knowing that I ALWAYS have HIM.
My God never wastes anything.
His peace is something I NEVER have to forego.
He is faithful and takes EVERY thing the enemy meant for harm and turns it to good.
He is a redeemer who keeps His promises.
He HEARS your prayers- they are not falling on silent ears. He holds your tears. He LOVES YOU.
He’s a GOOD story teller. And He doesn’t use you like a bad boyfriend.
God can multiply the time I DO have left, and He is never late.
So friend, I’m not sure what your story looks like. But I know that a very loving Father is ready to love you through it.
So why don’t you choose surrender today?
So that next month, IF the test is negative again, it won’t shatter you. Instead you can resolve to say “That’s okay. God isn’t running out of time. And my life can still be fully enjoyed.”
With surrender, you can pursue stewarding your health from wisdom and peace. With surrender, you can take steps toward motherhood in the right timing. Surrender doesn’t mean not using the mind God gave you. Surrender is shift your eyes to ask… what IS GOD doing? And how is He asking me to partner with Him? How is He asking me to take a pause and trust Him? How can you draw close to Him through vulnerability?
I believe that the Lord is preparing a new generation of mamas who have been through the waiting just as Sarah and Elizabeth waited.
And this WAITING to be a mother, is meant to transform you into a woman who prepares a way for the Lord.
Get your hopes up friend. Freedom is on the other side of your surrender. <3
xo,
Lanissa
P.S. WHY I DON’T LET ANYONE SPEAK “INFERTILITY” OVER ME”